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The Ultimate Script, Part I

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The Ultimate Script: Inspired by Dave Barry – Written in jail, 4/24/15
Episode One – The Harshest of Tones
Starring:
Liam Neeson
Jason Statham
Voice of Reason Woman
Jack Bauer
Wise Black Lady
Batman

(Begin Scene) We enter into the scene on an airplane in midflight. The cabin is dark and most people aboard are sleeping. Others bob their heads to music or are talking quietly. We zoom in on a man sitting in his seat, reading a magazine. We pan to another man talking to the pretty woman next to him. The camera then pans behinds him to show our main man, Liam, sipping from a flask that he reached out of his pocket. His phone then buzzes, alerting him of a text.

Text: Hello Liam.
Liam’s text: Who is this?
Text: If you want to know, you’ll have to play my game to figure it out.
Liam’s text: What game? What do you want?
Text: I have your daughter. If you want to ever see her again, you’ll need to wire me one million dollars. If you do not comply, one person will die every half hour.
Liam (out loud): Oh God.
Woman sitting next to Liam: Excuse me?
Liam: Sorry, it’s nothing.
Woman: Say, aren’t you Li–
Liam: No, you must be mistaken.
Liam text: I won’t be taken for a fool. (He turns off his phone.)
            A stewardess rolls a cart up and hands Liam a note, which he takes with caution.
Note: You won’t escape this time Liam. There’s a bomb on the plane. If you don’t do as I ask, we’ll all die in one hour.
Liam (to the stewardess): Miss, how did you–
Stewardess: It’s best not to question plot holes. (She walks away in a hurry.)
            Liam switches his phone back on. There is one new message.
Text: You have ten minutes until the first person dies. Tick tock.
Liam (out loud): Damnit.
Woman next to Liam: Excuse me?
Liam: Sorry, it’s nothing.
Voice of Reason Woman: Seems to me, sir, that you’re stressed. We’re strangers, and we’ve never spoken before this, but I’m sure that I can help you solve all of your problems.
Liam: You probably can. Thank you woman of reason. My name is Liam Neeson. My daughter has been taken, you see, and unless I pay him a ridiculous amount of money that I don’t have and that I can’t get, someone on this plane will die every ten minutes. Plus there’s a bomb on board.
            Liam takes another drink.
Woman: Maybe you should take it easy on that.
Liam (loudly): I can’t! I’m a suffering single dad who used to work for the CIA and who just lost his wife to a suicide. You see, what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over–
Woman (interrupting): –a very long career, yes, I’ve heard. I’m sorry to hear about your wife. Let me see your phone.
            Liam hands over his phone and the woman begins to read the texts.
Woman: He said ‘we’ll all die.’ That means he’s got to be on the plane with us.
            Liam stands instantly and begins to look around and search the faces of others.
Liam (softly): I don’t understand. Why me?
Woman: Excuse me? What’d you say? It’s really hard to understand you when you speak quietly. Whenever I watch your movies, I have to turn the volume way up.
Liam (loudly): Damnit woman! This isn’t a movie! This is my life!
Woman: That’s better.
The man in front of Liam stops his conversation with the pretty woman next to him and turns around.
Man: What’s all the bloody ruckus about?
Liam: Jason? What are you doing here?
Jason: I was cast, what do you fuckin’ think, you twat?
Liam: Oh.
Woman: Jason Statham?
Jason Statham (quietly): Bloody right. Now what’s the issue here?
Woman: I’m sorry, could you speak up a little? You see, when I watch your movies, both of you, you’re really hard to understand because of the way you speak.
Liam and Jason (simultaneously): Because we’re from the UK?
Woman: No, no, no, that’s not it. It’s just. . .never mind. There’re more pressing matters at hand.
Liam: She’s right, there’s a bomb on the plane. I’m going to contact the CIA to see if they can trace the texts.
Jason: A bomb?! Let’s move to the bloody back of the plane to talk more privately.
            They all stand and walk towards the stewardess’ area.
Jason: This is better.
Liam (opening a cabinet full of liquor): Yeah it is.
Jason: Take it easy, man.
Liam: You don’t understand, Jason. I’m a single and suffering old alcoholic who–
Jason (cutting Liam off): Where do you think this bomb could be? And why did they choose you?
Liam: People like to take my daughter. I just don’t get it! I have a very partic–
Jason: Yes, so I’ve bloody heard only a thousand times.
Woman: I don’t understand.
Jason: What is it now?
Woman: No, I mean I haven’t understood a word you guys have said since we moved back here.
Jason (loudly): Fuckin’ Jesus!
Woman: That’s better.
            Liam’s phone goes off. It shows two new messages. Liam reads them both aloud.
Text1: Tick tock. Five more minutes on the clock.
Text2: This is the CIA. The bomber is definitely onboard. Our experts say that they are most likely using the newly developed Nuclear Ionizing Photon Synthesizer, or NIPS, for short. It is very powerful stuff. Please be careful.
Woman: Why did they say ‘This is the CIA?’ Do they usually announce themselves like that? And NIPS? Really?
Jason: They’re right; I transported one once. Very powerful stuff.
Liam (still looking at his phone): That’s not all. The CIA just sent another text. They say they usually come in pairs. There are probably two on board.
Jason (quietly): Two NIPS? Oh, tits. . .
Woman: What’s that?
Jason: Fuckin’ hell.
The woman just shakes her head in disbelief and the camera pans down the aisle, showing rows and rows of uninformed passengers.
—Commercial—

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